The Love You Want vs. the Trauma You Carry: Who’s Really in Control?

Jenise Justice
Jun 4
3 min read

by Jenise Justice Brown

You’ve done the work.

You’ve gone to therapy.

You’ve read the books.

You’ve listened to the podcasts and told yourself, “I’m ready for a healthy relationship.”

And yet... here you are. Ghosting the good ones. Clinging to the complicated ones. Overthinking every text.

Wondering, “Why do I keep pushing love away when I say I want it?”

Let’s tell the truth: It’s not that you’re broken. It’s that your body remembers what your mind is trying to override.

🧠 Your Mind Wants Love.

However, your nervous system is on high alert.

When you’ve lived through betrayal, abandonment, emotional neglect—or simply a string of letdowns that taught you love isn’t safe—your body learns to prepare for loss, not receive connection.

This is what researchers call implicit memory—where past pain lives in your body, not your logic. It shows up in:

That tightness in your chest when someone gets too close too fast
The way you scroll instead of reply
The sudden urge to self-isolate, even when you crave intimacy

Sound familiar? That’s not sabotage. That’s survival.

❤️ Love Isn’t Just a Feeling. It’s a Somatic Experience.

Real love doesn’t just whisper sweet nothings to your heart—it knocks at the door of your nervous system.

When someone says “I care about you,” but your body tenses…When someone holds space for you, and your first instinct is to disappear…That’s not you being too much or not ready.

That’s your body saying:“We’ve been here before. And it didn’t end well.”

This is especially true for professionals, healers, entrepreneurs, and those of us who are brilliant on paper but battle loneliness behind the scenes. You know how to lead, perform, give, build...But receiving love? That’s where it gets tricky.

🔄 You’re Not Addicted to Chaos—You’re Attached to Familiarity

Here’s the kicker: Your trauma taught you what to expect—and now your body scans for it like a heat-seeking missile.

If you grew up managing adult emotions before knowing your own...

If love came with conditions, guilt, or absence…

Then, stability might feel foreign. Boring. Even suspicious.

You’re not choosing the wrong people. Your unhealed parts are choosing what feels safe, even if it hurts.

🛠 The Good News? This Is Rewireable.

Here’s what no one told us growing up:

Healing isn’t about becoming “better” so you can finally be loved. It’s about building a new relationship with your body so you can finally feel safe in love.

Start with this:

Name the trigger. Awareness breaks the cycle.
Slow the response. Breathe before you retreat.
Let the love in. Let safe people prove your body’s old story wrong.

The version of you that knows how to receive love without fear?

She’s not missing. She’s waiting.

✨ Final Word: You Don’t Have to Keep Fighting Yourself

You can want love and feel scared.

You can crave connection and need space

YOU are not crazy. YOU are not doomed. And YOU are not alone.

Your body just wants to know that this time, love will stay.

And when you honor what your trauma taught you without letting it lead, that’s when the real healing begins.

Want support unraveling this pattern in real time? I created a free guided reflection + a masterclass just for you: “Love Without Losing Yourself.” Let’s help your body say yes to the love your mind already chose.