Forget 'Self-Love' What You Need Is To Stop Hating Yourself

Jenise Justice
Jul 21
4 min read

A woman looking in the mirror at her reflection

The mirror isn't lying. You just don't believe it yet.

You're standing in the mirror, chanting, “I am worthy. I am enough. I love myself.” But that inner voice is side-eyeing you hard. Despite all the bubble baths, candle-lit journaling, and self-care Sundays, you still feel like a fraud. You’ve mastered the aesthetic of self-love… but not the actual freedom of it.

The Truth Behind Your Struggle

Let’s be honest, the world is in crisis. Collective trauma is real. You're not imagining it. Your nervous system is maxed out. Burnout isn’t just career-related anymore; it's spiritual, emotional, and relational. If you’ve internalized criticism your entire life, from parents, systems, institutions, even spiritual spaces, telling yourself “I’m amazing” won’t do it.

And, the $13.2 billion self-help industry has sold you a performance of self-love that’s tone-deaf to your very real pain. You were told, “If you speak kindly to yourself, everything will shift.” But affirmations on top of trauma is spiritual gentrification. Like, renovating the house without checking the foundation.

Studies by Wood et al. (2009) show that positive affirmations can worsen self-esteem in people who already struggle with it. Why? Because your nervous system knows when you're lying to yourself.All you are doing is masking deeper wounds with good vibes.So, instead of trying to love yourself into wholeness, what if you stopped hating yourself into pieces?

Self-acceptance that avoids self-hatred is just performance.

We weren’t born hating ourselves. We learned it from the parent who demanded perfection, the teacher who labeled us “difficult,” the culture that praised our appearance and silenced our pain. Those voices didn’t disappear. They moved in, and now, self-love has become performance art. We post affirmations while internally yelling, “Get it together.” We take bubble baths while drowning in shame. We try to earn love by being perfect, which is exactly what got us into this mess.

The truth is, most of us are at war with ourselves. And that inner war gets louder during external chaos. We hustle for worthiness while protesting for justice. We show up for others while hiding from our reflection. We know what the world needs: love, compassion, resilience, healing, and justice. You can't offer it if your cup is empty.

image of a woman's face split down the middle with self-acceptance on one side and hatred on the other — Stop the War. Not Just the Words

The Advice: Stop the War. Not Just the Words

Step 1: Name the Voice

Learn to identify your inner critic. Sounds like: “You’re a mess. “My parents are like this so I get it from my momma." “You should be farther along.”

Now meet your authentic self. Sounds like:

“This is hard, but I’m trying. “I don’t have to be perfect to be loved. “I’m doing my best.”

Step 2: Stop Fighting, Start Listening

When the critic shows up, don’t argue. Just ask, "Are you helping me grow or keeping me stuck? **Spoiler Alert** It’s usually the latter.

Step 3: Embrace Self-Neutrality

If " I love myself" feels fake, try: “I’m a human being having a human experience.”

Self-neutrality is the bridge. It’s not glamorous, but it’s honest. And it works.

You don’t need to be perfect to do the work. You need to stop bleeding out your energy fighting yourself.

According to Science

Dr. Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion proves this: You don’t need to feel amazing to change your life. You just need to treat yourself like someone who matters.

Try these:

The Best Friend Test: “What would I say to a friend in my shoes?” Say that to yourself.
The Humanity Practice: “I’m not the only one who struggles with this.”
Mindfulness Reframe: “I notice I’m having the thought that I’m not good enough.”

These aren’t trendy. They’re transformational.

The Revolution is Internal, Too

In a world unraveling at the seams, your self-acceptance is a sacred protest. The revolution starts when you stop trying to be your savior and start being your ally.

As bell hooks said,

"Rarely, if ever, are any of us healed in isolation. Healing is an act of communion."

When you stop hating yourself, you stop chasing love that validates your wounds. You stop attracting people who confirm your pain. You stop performing and start being.

You don’t need more pep talks. You need peace.

You don’t need more products. You need presence.

And you don’t need to love yourself perfectly.

You just need to stop hating the parts of yo that are still healing.

Did this hit differently? Forward it to a friend who’s stuck in the “fake it ‘til you love it” spiral.

🖤 Ready to go deeper? This is just the beginning of the journey from thirst to wellspring. My book "Thirsty for Love" provides a pathway for transforming how you love yourself and others. Get your copy and discover how to become a Leading Edge Lover who approaches all relationships from abundance rather than need.

Want to bring this transformation to your organization? I speak to groups, teams, and organizations about creating cultures of authentic connection and emotional well-being. My workshops/retreats help participants move from burnout to breakthrough.